He looks at you sincerely and says, “Look, you can’t believe anything she says. She says she is your friend, but she is really good at manipulating people.”
Suddenly, you doubt everything you thought you knew about them. Was your friendship ever real? Did you get taken in by a con artist? How do you know what to believe?
When was the last time you felt you were being manipulated? What seemed like guidance and wisdom may have turned out to be deceptive and insincere. How can you spot it in the future and avoid its effects?
Defining Manipulation
There are several formal definitions of the word “manipulation,” and I’m going to be focusing on the second, which is “the action of manipulating someone in a clever or unscrupulous way.” This seems to be the most common usage in my experience.
Manipulation may be more easily understood in comparison with it’s opposite: influencing others through persuasion.
Manipulation:
- Involves deception, concealment of information, or use of underhanded tactics (e.g., guilt-tripping, fear-mongering).
- Often disregards or exploits the other person’s autonomy, nudging them toward choices that primarily serve the manipulator’s interests.
- May involve intentionally provoking emotions or distortions of facts to steer someone’s actions without them fully understanding why.
Persuasion:
- Relies on clear communication, logical arguments, and honest presentation of facts.
- Respects the other person’s autonomy and right to make their own decision.
- Typically transparent about its goal: you want to convince someone to see your viewpoint or take a particular action, but you provide legitimate reasons or evidence for them to do so.
How To Spot It
Because manipulation relies on the ability to conceal when it’s being used, spotting it’s use can be tough. Imagine getting caught between opposite sides in an argument, and both of them turn to you at the same time and say, “Can you believe how manipulative the other is being!?” How do you know which one, or perhaps both, is being manipulative?
At the same time, being accused of using manipulation is difficult to defend. It is easy to split hairs and claim someone is being manipulative. After all, manipulation requires concealing information, and did they truly tell you all the facts? They left out some details, doesn’t that mean they are hiding things? If they are a person in a position of authority, is it manipulative to assert your authority to influence someone’s actions?
Some of this comes down to how we communicate as humans.
None of us have perfect memory, and in a conversation, we will always struggle to communicate everything we intend. On the flip side, when you hear something, you internalize it and remember it based on your own context. Word choice, nonverbal communication, and your own experiences and history will cloud your judgement.
Keep in mind that when someone communicates something to you, there will undoubtedly be noise introduced. Noise is simply information that wasn’t intended and detracts from the original message. This noise gets even worse as the message is relayed through multiple abstractions, such as to other individuals.
I’m going to take a short, but important, detour through the basics of how we communicate.
Lost in Translation
The illustration above is my take on a popular communication concept. The intended meaning of the message must travel through multiple layers. For example, we encode our message using language, the language we use is determined based on our experience. That language is decoded by the recipient’s experience, and how it is understood relies upon our shared experience.
Of course, within your communication, noise can be introduced through emotion, mishearing the words, misinterpreting nonverbal communication, and actual noise. Have you ever had a conversation with a jet taking off a few feet away? The amount of information received is significantly impaired.
All these factors combine to make true comprehension within a conversation somewhat difficult. You can work hard to improve your communication, and that is a good practice. Even still, it is important to recognize that even within a conversation between two people with large shared experience, history and common language, the intended message will be received and interpreted incorrectly to some level.
When that message is received incorrectly, this is when it is important to allow for grace and assuming the best.
James 1:19 – “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
Playing Telephone
Another factor that greatly affects our ability to communicate is how far away from the original conversation we are. Did Bob say that Sally said that Jim doesn’t like Sue?
You may have played the game of telephone when you were younger, and even with a simple message of one or two words, by the end of the line, the message went from “Banana” to “Bald Eagle.” When the message being relayed is an entire conversation or concept, the result can be even murkier.
When people hear a message and then relay it, they will retain approximately 50% of the original context. For each subsequent repetition, you can expect about half to be retained, and therefore after only 3 levels removed, you have only 12.5% of the context of the original conversation.
So often we consume information about others in this exact pattern. I’ve found in myself that when I hear about something that was said after it was repeated, the result are negative feelings much more often than when I hear or seek out the original message.
When it comes to manipulation, making a judgement on context provided will often be on 1st or 2nd levels of abstraction, where context of the original conversation are becoming smaller. And when you consider that the original conversation had it’s own errors and noise introduced, the intended message gets even fuzzier.
The Solution
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23
When we communicate with each other, I believe it is important to remember that good communication is done with the fruit of the Spirit clearly visible. Communicating with love, kindness and patience means we seek clarity when something seems wrong with what we’re hearing. It gives the benefit of the doubt until clarity is achieved. It focuses on fixing our vertical relationship with God before fixing our horizontal human relationships.
Once we check that our hearts are in alignment with Christ, we can then have a conversation where we truly communicate and lift each other up by Thinking before we speak, and Pausing before we respond.
T.H.I.N.K. – A Spirit-Led Filter for Words
- T – Is it True? (Faithfulness & Goodness)
- Speak with honesty and integrity, avoiding gossip or exaggeration (Proverbs 12:19).
- H – Is it Helpful? (Kindness & Love)
- Ensure your words serve a positive purpose and build others up (Ephesians 4:29).
- I – Is it Inspiring? (Joy & Encouragement)
- Speak in a way that uplifts and brings joy to others (Proverbs 16:24).
- N – Is it Necessary? (Self-Control & Peace)
- Avoid unnecessary words that might cause harm or stir up conflict (Proverbs 10:19).
- K – Is it Kind? (Gentleness & Patience)
- Communicate with gentleness, patience, and a heart of kindness (Colossians 3:12).
P.A.U.S.E. – A Spirit-Led Approach to Listening
- P – Practice Patience (Patience & Self-Control)
- Resist the urge to interrupt or react too quickly (James 1:19).
- A – Assume the Best (Love & Faithfulness)
- Listen with a heart that believes the best about the speaker (1 Corinthians 13:7).
- U – Understand Before Responding (Gentleness & Goodness)
- Seek to fully understand their words and emotions before speaking (Proverbs 18:2).
- S – Speak with Grace (Kindness & Peace)
- When responding, choose words that bring peace and build up (Colossians 4:6).
- E – Encourage Thoughtfully (Joy & Love)
- Leave the conversation with a word of encouragement or affirmation (Ephesians 4:29).
What Does This Have To Do with Manipulation?
I’m asking myself that as well, since I have lost the original purpose of this post. Just kidding, the point I’m trying to make is that when we look at words that we receive, it is important that we Pause and reflect. We can then assess if the communication that we are receiving seems Spirit led, or if it is human led.
Someone who is using Spirit led communication to persuade you will seek clarity and avoid ambiguity. If you respond with clarifying questions, they will be grateful you are seeking to understand better. If they are attempting to manipulate you, they will not appreciate your questions seeking clarity, because their goal is ambiguity and guilt.
When you challenge the views of a manipulator, they will almost always respond with anger. When you challenge the views of someone trying to persuade and influence you out of the Spirit, they will patiently explain their point again and again, in different words and with different stories. This is because they feel confident in the truthfulness of their point. They are not acting out of fear, but out of love for you.
Motivated by Fear
Manipulators are motivated by fear. They use fear and shame as tools to remove autonomy and self-control from their victims. They may use flattery and false kindness, but it is not motivated by love but need of control.
It is a serious accusation to say that someone is a manipulator, but what may be more accurate is that someone may be acting manipulatively. There is a thin line between encouraging someone or attempting to persuade them, and becoming manipulative. That thin line is between the motivation: fear and love.
The moment someone is motivated by fear, their actions become manipulative. When you are rooted in Christ and you seek first to ensure you are in a right relationship with him, you will ensure his love will flow through you and into your motivations.
