I haven’t read any of the more famous books by Gary Thomas, such as Sacred Marriage, but I am inclined to want to read it based my impression from When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People.
Thomas tackles a difficult topic, leaving toxic relationships, with a gentle, Christ-like spirit. He uses scripture and grace to call out toxicity with those who attack our Christian witness, but also within pivotal relationships in our lives, such as in the church, within parent child relationships, family, and marriages.
There is a tension held within our world, the tension of Christ’s forgiveness and sin, love and boundaries, marriage and divorce, and good and evil. The truth is that because we live in a world of sin, we can all be a little toxic at times.
When a toxic person attacks us, let’s think these words first: I honor my Father in heaven above all things. Pleasing you or getting you to agree with me isn’t my first goal in life.
Thomas defines a toxic person as someone who seeks to control, manipulate, and harm others emotionally, spiritually, or physically, often at the expense of their well-being and purpose. He emphasizes that toxic people are not just difficult or challenging individuals but those who drain energy, spread discord, and actively work against God’s calling in your life.
Thomas outlines several key characteristics of toxic people:
- Control and Manipulation – They try to dominate others through guilt, threats, or deceit.
- Refusal to Accept Responsibility – They blame others and never acknowledge their faults.
- Obsessive Conflict – They thrive on drama, arguments, and division.
- Distorting the Truth – They twist words, rewrite history, and gaslight.
- Hindering Spiritual Growth – They pull others away from their faith and purpose.
- Refusal to Change – They show a consistent pattern of harmful behavior with no real repentance.
A major theme in the book is that Jesus himself walked away from toxic people at times, prioritizing His mission rather than allowing others to distract or drain Him. Thomas encourages believers to follow Christ’s example by recognizing when to set boundaries or walk away from toxic relationships to protect their faith, emotional health, and calling.
He goes on to say that “We live in a toxic world filled with toxic people, we will be treated in a toxic manner.”
That love is so overwhelming that we don’t expect people to meet our needs. We don’t want to control people or hurt people; we want people to experience the same joy and satisfaction in God that we have come to know.
God’s love and affirmation lift us to a dimension of living where fighting each other doesn’t make sense. When I feel spoiled by God, what you do to me or think about me doesn’t matter all that much, because God’s opinion is superior to yours.
He ends with a chapter dedicated to not treating ourselves as toxic either. If we wouldn’t say it to someone else, we shouldn’t say it to ourselves.
The truth is that if you are a believer, you are called, loved, and kept. These make you valuable, and no matter what anyone thinks of you, God sees you as his child. We live for his approval and not man’s.
