Ghosting is the sudden and unexplained ending of a personal relationship with someone. Due to its abruptness, lack of closure, and one-sided nature, it can cause significant emotional pain, especially if the relationship or friendship shares a strong bond.
When it comes to close friends, the act of ghosting may show a serious lack of empathy for how someone might feel when the relationship is ended without any explanation.
Often, ghosting is associated with early dating relationships, where one partner abruptly stops responding to the other’s calls or texts. Ghosting can show immaturity if it’s due to the inability to have a tough conversation and break off the relationship in a reasonable way.
In the event of casual dating, it may not be a serious breach of trust because there wasn’t an expectation the relationship would continue. In the case of a close friendship that has developed over many years, it could be an unthinkable betrayal.
Breaking off a relationship will often cause pain, but doing it without explanation can heap on additional unnecessary hurt and feelings of disrespect.
I have personally experienced ghosting from a close friend, mentor and pastor. Many years we worked closely together in ministry, and our families were dear friends. To be fair, it was not completely out of the blue. My wife and I had ended up parting ways with the church, but we thought there was still a connection and potential friendship that could be reconciled.
We discovered that was not the case when we reached out to the pastor and his wife and were met with complete silence. My last interaction with him had been exchanging messages of forgiveness for wrongs done on both sides, with no indication from either of them that we had further wronged them.
I respect them both immensely, and part of the struggle is trying to understand why they would respond this way. If something we did caused them to feel it is necessary to cut us off, we’d like to know so we can fix it if possible, and if not, then prevent it from happening again.
There are good reasons to ghost someone. In situations that involve abuse, persistent negative behavior, or manipulation, ghosting might be an act of self-preservation rather than immaturity or narcissism. Setting boundaries are important, but not allowing someone the opportunity to hear your concerns and seek mutual understanding risks putting yourself in the wrong.
Cutting someone off should only be done at last resort, and healthy boundaries should be put in place long before it needs to get to that point. Ghosting doesn’t allow for the proper time and notice that maintains respect and can provide guidelines for eventual restoration of the relationship.
It is nearly impossible for me to look at my own situation impartially and not feel that what was done was unjust, unfair and immature. In fact, if I’m not careful, it can even appear intentionally destructive and cruel.
As much as I want to hold up the Bible and say, “How can you get up and preach God’s forgiveness after withholding it yourself?” I remind myself that those passages apply as much to myself as to them.
Colossians 3:13 — “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
I am reminded of the many ways that I have personally failed the Lord and His commands. I am a sinner in need of a savior, and I know how great my forgiveness has been. The compassion and love that flows through me is purely a result of His grace and mercy in my life.
Despite my decision and ability to forgive, months later I still spend some sleepless nights with my thoughts, as I craft letters, responses, and prayers to God for reconciliation. Ghosting has left deep wounds upon my heart. It has filled me with compassion for those who may be suffering in similar ways, and has led me to conclude that feelings matter when confronting sin in the church.
I must also be careful not to own problems that are not my own. My fear is there is a legitimate reason that I am being ghosted. I seek to fix and reconcile the relationship, but ultimately I need to cede control over to the Lord and His timing.
Toxic Faith
The danger to beginning to believe that I need to do something to bring about reconciliation and changing hearts is that it puts me in charge of something God has said is His job.
Romans 9:16 “So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy.”
It is not my work that changes someone’s heart but God’s. My role is to forgive, to open the door, and to let them know it is open. It is up to them to respond to the Lord’s prompting and walk through it.
Remy Diederich in Broken Trust: a practical guide to identify and recover from toxic faith, toxic church, and spiritual abuse, defines Toxic Faith as “performance-based thinking, meaning you have to earn God’s approval and acceptance by appropriate behavior. The better you perform, the more God likes you.”
It is by faith we are saved, not by works. But it is so easy to believe that performance is the answer. After all, aren’t we called to be a good person if we follow Christ? Isn’t that what religion is all about? While it may seem that church is about following rules and obeying the pastor, it really is about a personal relationship with God, as it says in Ephesians 2:8-9, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”
Conclusion
It is not upon myself that I rely, and it is not upon my own actions that I can bring about reconciliation in a relationship that has been lost. It requires the work of God to soften hearts. When a close friend is so cruel as to ghost you, it can leave you feeling disposable and worthless. It can feel like a deep betrayal of trust and respect.
But you must remember: your value comes from being CREATED by GOD, not from earthy relationships. You are LOVED by the Creator of the universe, and He desires you to have a personal relationship with Him.
